A collection of Funny Jokes!

[Good Times]

Here's my pathetic attempt to make ya'll laugh :ban:

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You got your number two girl that's normally that real cute chick that thinks she's number one. What she don't realize is all she got on you is a cell phone number. You chagne that, she won't even know where to find you.

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Q. How do you get a one-armed man out of a tree?

A. You wave to him.

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Every year, Grandma and her grandkids, Suzy, Jill, and Billy come stay with her over Christmas. And every Christmas Eve they would make a big bowl of cookie dough so they could make cookies on Christmas Day. And every time, the next morning the cookie dough would be gone. The grandma could never catch them, so this year she put metal bb's in the cookie dough. The next morning, the cookie dough was gone and soon Suzy came running downstairs.

"Grandma, I went to the bathroom to pee and bb's came out."

"Suzy," Grandma said, "I know you've been eating cookie dough. Sit down." Then Jill came down and said "Grandma, I went poo and there were bb's in it."

"Jill, I know you've been eating cookie dough. Sit down." About five minutes later little Billy came.

"Grandma something terrible has happened, I was jerking off in the garage and I shot the cat!"

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Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!

"That's entirely possible. Out cook used to be a tailor."

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Why did the turtle Cross the road?

To get to the "Shell" station!

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carry on! :tapedshut:

[Seanz0rz]

...

[YotaFun]

...


Sean, Just smile and chuckle a little, he tired loL!

[Dramarama]

i liked them :)

[Seanz0rz]

hahaha i just like giving lance a hard time!

[YotaGirl]

those are funny. Hehehe you made my day better, Lance!

[Good Times]

Here's another one for ya'll

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You know you're a redneck when...

you go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend and only come back with one gift.

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[Dramarama]

oh thats sick!!! hahaha I LOVE IT!

[04 Rocko Taco]

What's the last thing a redneck ever says??
"Hey y'all, watch this!" :D
How come that redneck's friends aren't around anymore??
They's wuz watchin! :rofl:


Being from the south, I take offense...
at the fact that you left out his best friends last words... "Well hell Bubba I can do that! Here one of ya'll kids hold mah beer..."

[Good Times]

And one for xmas!

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Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years.

While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called.

Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters of the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.

Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.

One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.

A spokesman for Christmas, Inc, declined to stay whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent assistance of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful."

[Seanz0rz]

hahahahahah thats awesome lance!

[Good Times]

yet another one to make ya laugh!

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A Scotsman is on holiday in New York City.

It's a balmy spring day and he is wearing a kilt.

A young woman comes up to him and boldly asks him if anything is worn beneath the kilt.

"No lassie" he replies, "everything is in fine working order."

[Good Times]

And you thought the last one was bad ;)

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A passenger plan on a cross-country trip runs into a terrible storm. The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind and lightening. The passengers panic, certain that the plane is going to crash and they are all going to die. At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, "I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and die like an animal, strapped to a chair. If I am going to die, let me die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A hand goes up in the back of the plane, and a handsome, tall, muscular man smiles while walking up to her seat. As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She sees his huge muscles even in the poor lighting of the plane. He stands in front of her, shirt in hand and says to her, "I can make you feel like a woman before you die. Are you interested?"

She eagerly nods her head "Yes!"

The man hands her his shirt, and says, "Here. Iron this!"

[Seanz0rz]

haha, you forgot the part where he beats her for speaking up with out permission!

[T4Rfun]

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

[Good Times]

A blonde calls a pharmacy and asks if she needs an infant scale to weigh a baby. The clerk explains that many women figure out an infant's weight by weighing themselves while holding the baby on an adult scale, then the mother weighs herself alone and subtracts the second amount from the first.

"Oh, that won't work," replies the blonde. "I'm not the mother -- I'm the aunt."

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What do vampires sing on New Year's Eve?

Auld Fang Syne!

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A nun at a Catholic school is asking her students what they want to be when they grow up.

Little Suzie declares, "I want to be a prostitute."
"What did you say?" asks the nun.
"I said I want to be a prostitute," Suzie repeats.
"Oh, thank heavens," says the nun.

"I thought you said a Protestant!"

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A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk: “Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?”

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: “Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models.”

The old woman then asks: “Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss ththiickk?”

The clerk responds, “Yes we do.”

“Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ddddaaammmmnnn ttthingggg offffff?”

[corax]

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.


:spit: :rofl:

[Good Times]

How to impress a Woman:
compliment her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
listen to her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her.

How to impress a Man:
show up naked,
bring beer

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Where is the world's fastest chicken from?

Ethiopia!

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A doctor was addressing a large audience:

"The material we put into our stomaches is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front roaw raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

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My wife came home the other night and told me to take off her blouse.

Then she told me to take off her skirt.

Then she told me not to wear her clothes anymore!

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One day a man tried to get an executive position with a Fortune 500 company. He aced every test, but at the final interview, the CEO told him that his constant blinking would bother investors. "I can fix that with some aspirin," the man says. "All I need to do is take some and I'll be better in a second."

So, he reaches into his pocket and pulls condom after condom out until he finds the aspirin. He takes some and his incessant blinking stops.

Appalled by the display, the CEO says, "We, here, do not approve of womaizing!"

To which the man relies emphatically, "Oh, no, that's not it! Have you ever tried to ask a pharmacist for aspirin while winking?"

[Good Times]

An airline captain was helping a new blond flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.

She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!"

"You can't get out of your room?"; the captain asked. "Why note?"

She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

[Good Times]

A blonde goes to an office party and wins a thermos.

The blonde asks a co-worker, "What does it do?" He says it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.

The next day the blond goes to work after filling her thermos with ice cream and tea.

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Three men walk into a room.

Two get shot.

How many are left?

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Sorry I know it's pathetic.... Late night laughs :tapedshut:

Three - it's not like the two that were shot could get up and walk out!

[Obi..]

CREATIVE PUNS FOR "EDUCATED MINDS"


1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I' ll go on a head. '

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ' Keep off the Grass. '

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ' No change yet. '

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran

20. A backward poet writes inverse.

21. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it 's your count that votes.

22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

23. Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!