Best of Craigslist stories....

[Good Times]

Posting this in the NSFW section because I suspect we'll get a lot of various stories that will end up being NSFW :)

If you want to contribute, lets keep the format the same so it's easy for all of us to follow:
1) throw url so we can check out the funnies
2) quote the story so we keep a copy here just in case it gets deleted (very important!)

with that, ENJOY! :D

CL Story Link (http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/40620151.html)



PIT BULL Vs. RACCOON
Date: 2004-08-26, 6:33PM PDT


All my life I've pondered what would happen if you caged a raccoon, threw him in a ring with a pit bull and had them fight to the death. No, I'm not going to start a thread about how my animal abusive uncle pulled off such a feat (because he would), but this morning at about 3 am I was fortunate enough to witness about 30 seconds worth of this dream match-up and it didn't disappoint!

I'm sound asleep early this morning when I'm suddenly awakened by the intensity of a fierce street fight between 3 cats...fuckin' battle royal WWF style, and everybody knows what a cat fight sounds like. The only reason this cat fight peeked my interest was because usually cat fights last about 15-20 seconds before one cat realizes he's about to get his ass whupped and runs away like a little bitch. Not this fight. This was fuckin' Ali/ Frazier and after about 45 seconds of ferocity I knew I had to get some ringside seats because these cats were absolutely getting after it! I run to my front room window which looks down on the street and and it was beautiful!! The street light in front of my neighbors house shined right down on the fight like I was at Ceasars Palace. The only thing missing was a giant bong rip and a few half naked ring card girls....and beer. And hookers.....anway....

So I must have been watching this free for all for about 45 seconds when out of nowhere this big fuckin' raccoon comes rollin' up 5 deep out of the alley between my house and my neighbors' to the right. I mean he's got his posse in full effect. I dont know, they might have been his bitches, all I know is I saw him out of the corner of my eye and at first I thought it was a dog, thats how big this coon was. I see raccoons all the time but this bastard was abnormally big, he was like Deebo from the movie Friday without the introduction music. The intense whine of the cat fight must have attracted his attention, he probably was in some dumpster getting his eat on when he heard the commotion, turned to his hoes and was like, "You wanna go see me whup some ass?" So he rolls up with his entourage and within seconds this cat fight comes to an abrupt end. Game over. Thanks for coming. In the blink of an eye 2 of the cats are fuckin' ghost! They know better. They're like, "No need to stick around, thats the biggest motherfuckin' racoon I've ever seen, I'M OUT!!" Now the other cat, he didn't move. He must have paged the coons or some shit because you could tell they were boys. The minute he saw the calvary coming he probably looked at the other cats and was like, "Yeah, whats up now bitches? This is my block. West side. Recognize!" Throwing up alley cat gang signs n' shit. So I'm watching this and my adrenaline is just pumping, I love confrontation especially between animals. I'm a little disappointed that this raccoon showed up because he broke up a really entertaining cat fight but just when I was about to climax all over myself things got really interesting...

My neighbors to the left own a pitbull named Davis and by no means is Davis one of those "trained to kill" style ghetto pitbulls, he's actually a sweetheart but he is a pitbull and he can get down. Davis is the kind of dog that is cool with humans but will not hesitate to obliterate any cat he can run down. Occasionally he gets under the fence which doesnt bother me at all but at times has the other neighbors terrofied. Sure enough Davis also heard the catfight and wanted to get a live glimpse himself, he just didn't know he was about to come face to face with a 105+ pound coon. So the minute I see Davis I let out with a "HOLY SHIT!!!" and once again my adrenaline is flaring like a pack of hemorroids because I knew this had the potential to be fuckin' awesome! With that my roommate comes bolting out of his room half asleep thinking somebody was breaking into his piece of shit car, it's black as pitch in our house and dude just runs head on into the hall way corridor. Fuckin' WHAM!!. He goes to turn on the lights in the living room and I'm like, "No, you're going to scare them away," he still has no idea whats going on and turns his attention to what I'm watching and just flips out!! He's more pumped up than I am! You have to understand, my roommate and I are HUGE boxing fanatics who grew up together and were the type of guys who would have heated debates over who would win in a fight, John Rambo or Luke Skywalker. You know the types. King Kong or Godzilla? Mountain lion Vs. Black bear? So this was right up our alley.

The minute the raccoons see Davis four of them decide it was in their best interest to find the nearest escape route and head right back towards the alley. Not the big fella. This raccoon had balls of steel and even Davis was kinda lookin' at him like, "Yo nigga, don't you know who I am? Is your ass crazy or something? I'm a fuckin' pit bull son." However the only thing on this coons' mind was tearing shit up. So Davis is sizing up the situation and this raccoon goes right into a defensive attack position. It was about to be on and I'm not sure how it happened but within' moments my roommate and I are engaged in a heated debate over the outcome and automatically a 20 dollar bet was on the table. So he starts going off about Davis having "lock jaw" and once Davis establishes that advantage the fight would be over, Davis would tear him apart. I start telling him that it's not going to matter what kind of jaw Davis has because the second he gets close, that raccoon is going to use his razor sharp paws and carve him up something fierce. So we are going round and round like fuckin' Jim Lampley and Larry Merchant from HBO Sports and as always when my adrenaline starts and I get excited...I gotta take an enormous shit. I mean I'm straight up turtle heading. I cant hold it any longer.

Alright give me some room here....does anyone else get that or is it just me? I dont know why, but ever since I could remember anytime I feel any type of anxiety I automatically have to take a giant dump. It's the craziest thing. If I go to Blockbuster to rent a movie, within about 2 minutes I have to take a shit. Same thing if I go pick up a video game, it's like fuckin' clock work. When I''m about to light up a giant bong rip, I always run to the bathroom first. And sometimes there's no bathroom around so I have to go with the "heal plunge" where I bend over to pretend like I'm tying my shoe but all I'm really doing is ramming my heal up my ass to stop me from shitting all over myself. Speaking of video games, when I was 13 my little brother would bring over his chinese friend to play Nintendo and this kid was such a savage that he wouldn't even bother to press pause when he had to take a shit, he'd just drop a growler right there in his pants!! I mean come on, I know chinese kids love video games but there's a pause button for a reason. This kid was like, "no way" getting to level 9 in Mega Man was WAY more important than a trip to the bathroom. Little fella would just go caveman style right there in the living room.....

So anyway, I frantically sprint to the bathroom about to drop my garbage all over the floor and I'm on the toilet yelling at my roommate to give me "the play by play". I must have been on the shitter for like 12 seconds flat, if crapping was an Olympic sport I'd have just brought home the gold. I run back into the living room with a trail of toilet paper still lodged in my ass and as soon as I take my seat, my cock blocking neighbor comes flying out of her house screaming at her dog to come. Obviously with that the coon bolts, I'm bummed out of my mind, my roommate throws on the lights in the living room and dude is sporting a 3 inch gash right down his forehead. Apparently when he came running out of his room and took on the hallway corridor the guy split his fuckin' wig. He's got blood all over his shirt like he just went toe to toe with a god damn mountain lion.......

I got to get some sleep.

[DHC6twinotter]

I just ran across this about 20 minutes ago on craigslist:



Since many people have been using this site as a forum I guess I will jump in, Who the hell thinks they can hire a competent CNC programer for $14 per hour. The matal working trades in Charlotte suck!, my unemployment pays more.

Compensation: crap
Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

http://charlotte.craigslist.org/mnu/985528167.html

Wonder if that guy will get a job. :laugh:

[RunnerUp]

wtf are you guys looking for when you find this stuff? the only thing i ever search on CL for is "toyota" or "boat".... you guys are way too bored

[Good Times]

Kyle,

when you're bored of surfing I somehow always end up reading hours on cl :) Sometimes you find the funniest stuff that it really gets ya hooked to find that next treasure :D

[CJM]

** Girlfriend Potential Test ***
Date: 2008-07-20, 10:16PM EDT


Instructions: Please answer the questions below as directed in each section. You will be marked for grammar, spelling, cleverness, creativity and boob-size. Please keep in mind that while this is not an application for a job, your performance on this test will be a reflection of your ability to achieve certain positions once out in the real world. When the clock strikes the hour, you may begin. You have sixty minutes to complete the test.

Section One: Multiple Choice (Answer All, 5 points)

When submitting answers via email, please copy and paste the question and then your answer selection beside it.

Q1. Six months into our relationship, I go away to a tropical location with my family for a week over Christmas. This vacation was planned as a family event two years prior to meeting you. This is:
a) A great opportunity to get some things done without me around.
b) A great opportunity to attempt to sleep with my college roommate and/or my boss.
c) A sign that you are probably just a casual thing that I could toss aside at any given moment despite the fact I bought you probably the most thoughtful gift you've ever received and written you a letter for every day that I'll be gone, inciting you to 'Go on the Defensive.'
d) Occasion to have a sexy dinner at home the night before I leave, and a mini 'welcome home' party when I get back that’s guest list is just you, me, a bottle of wine and a pack of condoms.

Q2. We've talked every night for eight days (not including the dinner/opera show I took you to on Saturday night that was followed by possibly your worst performance in bed ever, or the Monday night that I came over and we spent the evening making Rachel Ray recipes and watching Heroes followed by the best oral sex I've ever given you), with conversation time averaging about an hour per night. On a Thursday night, when on a deadline, I express a need to get off the phone so I can finish some work and go to bed at a reasonable hour. You:
a) Express your feelings of devotion in three words or less, then and quickly say goodbye after confirming plans for tomorrow night are still on.
b) Say goodbye, but then immediately begin talking about something that we hadn't discussed as thoroughly as is scientifically, legally or religiously possible two nights prior.
c) Take that as a sign that I'm abandoning you, and begin to point out that because of it I have commitment issues, that you're clearly not my priority, and then cry.
d) Say goodbye, but manage to do it with such menace and venom that I stay on the phone for another three silence filled hours, broken only by fits of gentle weeping and suicide threats.

Q3. I'm throwing change at your cleavage, which is readily on display in that loose fitting tank top you wear around my place on Sundays after brunch. Do you:
a) Wing the largest of the coins at my head, with an evil glare and then refuse to speak to me for the rest of the day.
b) Encourage my behavior, and allow me to purchase Afternoon Delights from you at discount prices.
c) Cry.
d) Cry and pick a fight with me, taking my actions as a total lack of respect for you and then begin to point out that because of it I have commitment issues, that you're clearly not my priority, and then cry some more.


Q4. We're having a fight. You:
a) Throw me out of your apartment, then thirty minutes later send 17 texts and attempt to call 13 times in the space of six minutes.
b) Give me space when the discussion gets too heated for rational thought, and redress your complaints in a calm manner when we've both had a chance to cool down.
c) Flip me the bird.
d) Wail on my junk.
e) both c and d
f) realize that the fight is about nothing, and begin creating fictional problems and make wild accusations about my obsession with material goods and having a wandering eye.
g) f, then d, then c.

Q5. I play [video games OR tabletop gaming OR fantasy football]. You:
a) Want to join in, because it looks like hella fun.
b) Leave me to it, in the hopes that I'll leave you a few things to participate in on your own.
c) Attempt to get me to quit, and use tactics like nagging, vandalism and emotional sabotage as an effective campaign against what you call my 'nerdy addiction.'
d) c, but also include deriding me to your friends.

Section Two: True or False (Answer All, 10 points)

When submitting answers via email, please copy and paste the question and then your answer selection beside it.

Q1. Rationale and Reason are the same thing.

Q2. A cheerleader AND/OR schoolgirl outfit is a wardrobe must.

Q3. Talking in your 'cute voice' just before you put my balls in my mouth is sexy.

Q4. Learning body language and communication cues is important.

Q5. 'Anchorman' and 'Superbad' are hilarious movies.

Q6. "But it's cute when I do it" should be a legally viable defense.

Q7. Chest hair is gross.

Q8. Bono is probably the most important political figure of our generation.

Q9. Sex is an important part of a relationship, and should be had frequently, often, whenever possible - within moderation, of course.

Q10. A relationship is metaphorically a two way street. So is your butt.

Section Three: Short Essay. (Answer ONE, 5 points)

Please select one of the following questions and answer it as fully as time will allow. Please try and be as descriptive as possible, and where applicable, come up with at least TWO convincing arguments to support your case. Arguments must be backed up with cited evidence, not anecdotal perspective.


Q1. If I was a crime-fighting vigilante by night, what efforts would you make to support my cause about the rising threat of evil in this city?

Q2. Please come up with a convincing game-plan for having me come shopping with you, keeping in mind my retail oriented attention span is about twelve minutes, and I am prone to wandering after flashing lights and shiny things.

Q3. Please argue why you are (do) or are not (do not): 'Down to Earth', 'Have a sense of humor' and 'Laid back'. Bonus if you can include evidence to confirm that you truly do avoid 'head games.'

Please submit answers via the email link provided. Please also keep a copy of this test and your answers to submit to future suitors for reference. Remember to ensure your name, number and bra size are clearly written at the top of your paper, and don't forget to attach a photo (3/4 length or full).


* Location: Uptown
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

[RunnerUp]

alright.... after reading CJM's find... i believe next time i am truly bored i will try this out, and, i will possibly carry a copy of that around with me next time i go to the bar, should make a great ice breaker!

[CJM]

alright.... after reading CJM's find... i believe next time i am truly bored i will try this out, and, i will possibly carry a copy of that around with me next time i go to the bar, should make a great ice breaker!


Im thinking they will slap you after you present them with that or ask them the Q's RunnerUp.

[RunnerUp]

im sure its a possibility, but it wouldnt be the first time, and i figure its about the way you ask it. if you ask it all sleazy like sure, but if you make it a joke then perhaps not?

[CJM]

im sure its a possibility, but it wouldnt be the first time, and i figure its about the way you ask it. if you ask it all sleazy like sure, but if you make it a joke then perhaps not?


One never knows with the ladies..could very well work..

[RunnerUp]

i predict a new NSFW thread staring me, a questionare handout and the local talent... coming next week!

[Seanz0rz]

I am really not sure whether or not this is a dual sub-forum topic, as it could also end up in the "Fail" thread! :rofl:


best of craigslist > SF bay area > I want to have sex in a bathtub full of breakfast cereal - m4w
Originally Posted: Wed, 3 Dec 11:55 PST
I want to have sex in a bathtub full of breakfast cereal - m4w

Date: 2008-12-03, 11:55AM PST


I am looking for a kindred spirit that enjoys, sex, baths, and cereal. So why not try them all at the same time? Now, be warned… I have some very specific stipulations for this fantasy of mine:

1) The cereal must have less than 2 grams of protein per serving. That’s right, the pure sugar stuff kids eat to get roofed like junkies on speed. These can include:

Fruity Pebbles
Count Chocula
Cookie Crisp
Cocoa Pebbles
Cocoa Puffs
Golden Crisps
Honey Smacks
Cap’n Crunch’s Peanut Butter Crunch
Cap’n Crunch
Apple Jacks
Froot Loops
Corn Pops

If you have other suggestions I am more than happy to entertain them.

2) It must be 2% milk, having sex in a bathtub full of cereal is no time for moderation. Plus, I need to get my daily dose of Vitamins A and D.

3) You must be comfortable in the doggie style position. I don’t see any other way to avoid shrinkage and still let you enjoy your cereal before it becomes too mushy.

4) If you insist of photography/videography I will need to insist that I wear a Mexican wrestling mask a la Nacho Libre.

5) I plan on making this a safe encounter to please feel free to bring your own utensils.

After we are finished if you feel like you need something to make you regular again, I should have some Grape-Nuts that you can nibble on. If you are serious, send me a photo, I need to make sure you can fit into the tub.

Location: bathtub
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 943626343



not sure which is funnier, the story or that YOU found it...

[neliconcept]

if that guy did post that, i wonder if he got any hits, i seriously might have to try that

[habanero]

No no, that's not right at all. Cereal would cut up the roof of her mouth and your knees.

[CJM]

To all the fine people who frequent adult arcades...
Date: 2009-01-02, 8:45PM PST


I have logged 10 ,count em, 10 years working for an adult bookstore and I think I am more than qualified to offer some helpful tips to make your visit to these shops just a little more enjoyable. Please excuse any grammatical or spelling errors.

1) It is a complete wast of time to become upset when I refuse to shake your hand after you exit the arcade. You just had anonymous sex with a man, woman, tranny, or you just got finished masturbating. Had you grabbed the key to the restroom and washed your hands I might just have considered it, otherwise I have no interest in touching you. You really have no reason to be offended at this one, just think about it for a moment.

2) I'm sorry if you have only limited time to have gay sex with a stranger during your lunch break. If the only customers I have in the arcade are so old you are wondering how they remain upright, much less get it up, I simply can't waive a magic wand and fill the arcade with an all gay swim team. It really doesn't matter how horny you are, complaining incessantly about it changes nothing. Along that same line, I am not a resident fall back option and I'm sorry, but offering me cash for sex will not change my mind on this one (ever).

3) We offer the options of entering a booth with a window, a glory hole, or a private booth. If you enter a booth with a window, please don't be surprised if you look up and find someone watching you, coming to the counter and demanding that I throw whomever out because they were peeking at your willy will honestly accomplish little. If you enter a booth with a gloryhole, please don't be surprised if at some point a penis comes through it. Also don't be surprised if a voice comes through it asking for you to stick your penis through the hole, it's what it's there for. These traumatic events can all be avoided by entering a private booth where you can masturbate to your hearts content in relative privacy.

4) You enter a booth, insert a 1, 5, 10, or 20 dollar bill into the bill acceptor, and have a seat. The movie will play until the time limit for the amount of money you put into the machine runs out. If at that time you have not managed to relieve yourself you have still received what you paid for. Screaming at me will not get you more time in the arcade, it will just get you thrown the fuck out. Sitting in a booth with no money in the machine while you desperately try to grunt out a quick one is just not acceptable. If I knock on the door offering to get you change and you come out all grumpy saying something like "I just spent 7000 dollars here" or "do you know how much I spend here in a month" we now have a problem. You see, the concept really is simple yet I feel the need to break it down for you. If I go to McDonalds, order a cheese burger and eat it, I would not be allowed to sit there and eat unlimited cheese burgers all fucking day because I paid for the first one. Duh!! same thing here, once that TV screen goes black YOU GOT WHAT YOU PAID FOR! If you want to continue, fish out another bill or if you are broke GO THE FUCK HOME AND FINISH THERE.

4) This one is important, so pay it some fucking attention. If you happen to be a horny gay man (nothing wrong with that) and inappropriately proposition another man in the parking lot and he punches you in the mouth, YOU HAD IT COMING. I want to reiterate for the slow among us, YOU ASKED FOR IT!!! Please wait until you are in the arcade to cruise for dick. We offer a wide range of products that straight people need, so don't assume because someone is going to the adult bookstore they are gay. That is just fucking stupid you moron.

5) My job is to police the arcade and sell shit. That is all I get paid to do and it's all I care about. I could care less if you have a wedding ring on as you suck off 12 dudes, I don't care if you are cheating on your wife with a woman of "questionable standards", I don't care if you enjoy dressing in your little sisters cloths and putting on a show for strangers in a window booth, I DO NOT GIVE A FUCK WHAT YOU ARE DOING IN THERE. I do not need a play by play description of what you were just doing. Keep it to yourself or write it in your journal or whatever. Just leave me out of it, I will not be impressed, seriously.

6) If you pee in the trashcans and I catch you you will be cleaning that booth and I will be berating you the entire time it takes you. You sick fucker what the fuck did your mother teach you when you were little. I will then take your fucking picture and show it to every one who works here. You will never be allowed back in, EVER!!!!!!

7) I understand that sex creates wet spots on clothing, etc...but if you come walking out of the arcade with cum in your beard, on your shirt, pants, whatever, I reserve the right to point and laugh. We thoughtfully provide paper towels just for that situation. If you choose not to use them then I choose to laugh and call you a douche bag.

8) We have janitors clean the arcade 3 times a day, every day. I can do little for you if the booth you so desperately need to whack off in has a load of cum dripping down the monitor. I will not be rushing back there to clean that up real quick for you. If the little present left by the previous occupant offends you so much you have 2 options,
1) Walk your ass to another, cleaner, booth.
2) reach up and grab a paper towel from the dispenser and clean it up your fucking self.
That's it, throw the biggest tantrum you can and you will still be left with the same 2 options.

I do hope you find this little piece of information helpful. Have a wonderful day!

* Location: whack shack
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

[CJM]

Can I be your pumpkin?
Date: 2009-01-01, 11:46AM PST


hello all you delicious men in craigslist land!!
I'm looking for a long term(I already have our rings picked out) relationship with the perfect man. You need to be tall, beautiful, well built, oozing with lean rock hard muscles, and have thick dark hair. You need to be smart and college educated(PHD preferred). You of course need to have a great stable job where you make TONS of money for me to spend in any frivolous way I can think of. You need to be AWESOME in the sack with a huge package and have complete ejaculation control, so my intimate needs can be met each and every time you are lucky enough to have me. You also need to be content with no sex for months on end if it makes me happy. You must love kids because I have 7(don't worry the state has them for now). You also must LOVE my cats and instantly memorize the names and ages of all 12 of them. I have a hard time moving around so I bathe with a washrag on a stick and you must be willing to get the parts I cant reach. You must also be willing to fight other fat women off the electric shopping carts in large stores so I can ride them in comfort while shopping. My image of perfection can change at any time, depending on mood, time of the month, etc..You are required to conform to my changing expectations with little or no input from me. But enough about you.

I'm oddly enough shaped like a pumpkin....LOL. I am very obese(I just got sweatin to the oldies so I'm working on it)and as I mentioned I cant move around very well, I do have a few minor medical problems. I have a bedsore on my ass from the computer chair I'm in all day. However I did recently get a blow up donut so that's finally healing up. The area between my belly and my huge pendulous breasts doesn't get much air so I have a few sores under there, I prop the ladies up with dvd boxes to improve air circulation whilst I surf the net so that should be improving soon as well. I just love the way cats freshen up any living space, I like the way they smell and you should too!! I like long walks in the rain, well, you walk and I hoveround. I also LOVE, LOVE, LOVE chocolate, LOTS of it(ice cream form is acceptable also). I have long dirty blond hair that I comb in such a way that you can hardly notice my dandruff and pattern baldness. I love to snuggle, just not on bath day(bath day is for me to enjoy).I have a massive collection of sexy floral moo moo's so you will never be without a little eye candy *wink*. Many of them just need to be washed and they'll look like brand new. I'm a smokin bBw waiting for you, the capitol B is for a little extra beautiful. I'm real you be too!!!!!!

Kisses and bonbons
me

[Good Times]

It's been awhile but a friend sent me this and thought this one deserves to be saved!

Source: Craigslist of course! (http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/1126876415.html)



Actor needed for emotional role – One day high pay
Date: 2009-04-17, 12:52PM EDT

My deceased aunt gave my two kids a Cocker Spaniel a few months back. The dog has been a terror and become overwhelming for me. I am a single father raising two young children. I cannot face telling the kids that the dog must go. I have found a good home for the dog, and just need someone to transport the dog, and play the villain.

Premise: You will be the dog walker hired by daddy (me) to walk Skittles. I will introduce you to the kids, and you will tell them you are going to help Skittles get her exercise when Daddy is too busy to walk her. At that point you will walk Skittles to your car and take her to her new family 20 minutes from my place. Then return holding just a leash. The story will be that Skittles broke free of the leash and took off. At this point prepare for crying, things being thrown at you, and possibly cursing. My kids are young and dramatic, their girls.

Pay will be $500. The job will take roughly 2 hours at best.

This job is ideal for an actor looking to diversify their role base, or someone who genuinely likes to make children cry. Acting experience is a plus, but not necessary. Please inform me of any prior experience in this kind of situation.

[fustercluck]

I did something like that for an old lady back in the 80's. Except it was a cat and I was to take it to a vet to be put down and bring the corpse back for burial. Seems she didn't have the heart to do it herself.

[corax]

hahaha, how did I miss this thread? I think I just found another complete waste of time to reduce my (already diminished) attention span. with that, here's my contribution


Some Advice From Your Public Defender

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 2009-04-26, 7:43AM PDT

First, let me say I love my job and it is a privilege to work for my clients. I wish I could do more for them. That being said, there are a few things that need to be discussed.

You have the right to remain silent. So SHUT THE FUCK UP. Those cops are completely serious when they say your statements can and will be used against you. There’s just no need to babble on like it’s a drink and dial session. They are just pretending to like you and be interested in you.

When you come to court, consider your dress. If you’re charged with a DUI, don’t wear a Budweiser shirt. If you have some miscellaneous drug charge, think twice about clothing with a marijuana leaf on it or a t-shirt with the “UniBonger” on it. Long sleeves are very nice for covering tattoos and track marks. Try not to be visibly drunk when you show up.

Consider bathing and brushing your teeth. This is just as a courtesy to me who has to stand by you in court. Smoking 5 generic cigarettes to cover up your bad breath is not the same as brushing. Try not to cough and spit on my while you speak and further transmit your strep, flu, and hepatitis A through Z.

I’m a lawyer, not your fairy godmother. I probably won’t find a loophole or technicality for you, so don’t be pissed off. I didn’t beat up your girlfriend, steal that car, rob that liquor store, sell that crystal meth, or rape that 13 year old. By the time we meet, much of your fate has been sealed, so don’t be too surprised by your limited options and that I’m the one telling you about them.

Don’t think you’ll improve my interest in your case by yelling at me, telling me I’m not doing anything for you, calling me a public pretender or complaining to my supervisor. This does not inspire me, it makes me hate you and want to work with you even less.

It does not help if you leave me nine messages in 17 minutes. Especially if you leave them all on Saturday night and early Sunday morning. This just makes me want to stab you in the eye when we finally meet.

For the guys: Don’t think I’m amused when you flirt or offer to “do me.” You can’t successfully rob a convenience store, forge a signature, pawn stolen merchandise, get through a day without drinking, control your temper, or talk your way out of a routine traffic stop. I figure your performance in other areas is just as spectacular, and the thought of your shriveled unwashed body near me makes me want to kill you and then myself.

For the girls: I know your life is rougher than mine and you have no resources. I’m not going to insult you by suggesting you leave your abusive pimp/boyfriend, that you stop taking meth, or that your stop stealing shit. I do wish you’d stop beating the crap out of your kids and leaving your needles out for them to play with because you aren’t allowing them to have a life that is any better than yours.

For the morons: Your second grade teacher was right – neatness counts. Just clean up! When you rob the store, don’t leave your wallet. When you drive into the front of the bank, don’t leave the front license plate. When you rape/assault/rob a woman on the street, don’t leave behind your cell phone. After you abuse your girlfriend, don’t leave a note saying that you’re sorry.

If you are being chased by the cops and you have dope in your pocket – dump it. These cops are not geniuses. They are out of shape and want to go to Krispy Kreme and most of all go home. They will not scour the woods or the streets for your 2 grams of meth. But they will check your pockets, idiot. 2 grams is not worth six months of jail.

Don’t be offended and say you were harassed because the security was following you all over the store. Girl, you were wearing an electronic ankle bracelet with your mini skirt. And you were stealing. That’s not harassment, that’s good store security.

And those kids you churn out: how is it possible? You’re out there breeding like feral cats. What exactly is the attraction of having sex with other meth addicts? You are lacking in the most basic aspects of hygiene, deathly pale, greasy, grey-toothed, twitchy and covered with open sores. How can you be having sex? You make my baby-whoring crack head clients look positively radiant by comparison.

"I didn't put it all the way in." Not a defense.

"All the money is gone now." Not a defense

"The bitch deserved it." Not a defense.

"But that dope was so stepped on, I barely got high." Not a defense.

"She didn't look thirteen." Possibly a defense; it depends.

"She didn't look six." Never a defense, you just need to die.

For those rare clients that say thank-you, leave a voice mail, send a card or flowers, you are very welcome. I keep them all, and they keep me going more than my pitiful COLA increase.

For the idiots who ask me how I sleep at night: I sleep just fine, thank you. There's nothing wrong with any of my clients that could not have been fixed with money or the presence of at least one caring adult in their lives. But that window has closed, and that loss diminishes us all.

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/spk/1140769884.html

[CJM]

This parts the best:


It does not help if you leave me nine messages in 17 minutes. Especially if you leave them all on Saturday night and early Sunday morning. This just makes me want to stab you in the eye when we finally meet.