Jokes

[Texas Jim]

What do you call a farmer with a sheep under each arm? A Playboy! :hillbill: :rofl: TJ


What do you get when you cross a mule and a onion? You get a piece of, [three letter word for muel that rymthes with brass,]that....brings a tear to your eye!!! :lol: :lol: :rofl: TJ

[Paul H.]

LOL TJ

[DeathCougar]

I think TJ will be spending a bit of time in this section lol

[Texas Jim]

OK...OK It's been a while, but here's another goodie!!

This 80 year old guy, goes to the Doctor.

His Doctor give him a checkup and asks if he's having any problems?

The 80 year old replies,"I haven't feel so good in years!! I have a 21 year old wife and she's pregnant with my baby!! What do you think about that Doc?"

The Doctor smiles and says, " I have a friend who always make sure that he's there for opening day of goose season! This last year he was in such a hurry he grabbed his walking cane instead of his shotgun!! Him not realizing that he had grabbed his cane and walking out to the marsh, my friend see two geese on the water, after raising his cane up to fire he figures out that he had his cane instead of his shotgun. Thinking to him self he thinks what the heck I'm gonna wish to shoot them, and goes Bang! Bang! the two geese fall over dead!!"

"What do you think about that?" The Doctor says to his patient.

The 80 year old patient looks at the doctor and says "I think someone pumped a couple of loads into them birds for your friend...."

The Doctor Say's "I think that's what happend to your wife!!""

:lol: :rofl: :tongueout: :clap: :lol: :yikes: :banana: :booya: TJ

[cootees]

LMAO, NICE ONE.

[Ric]

A HUMMER is just a HUMMER, my TOYOTA goes all the way...

[YotaGirl]

LOL very funny. How do I subscribe to this thread? :D

[slosurfer]

LOL very funny. How do I subscribe to this thread? :D


Hit the "notify" button right next to the "reply" button.

[DeathCougar]

I think you can also change in your settings to be automatically susbscribed to a thread.

[reggie 00]

Mildred, 93, was despondent over the recent death of her husband
> >Earl, so she decided to just kill herself and join him in death.
> >Thinking it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took
> >outEarl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself
> >in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.
> >Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a
> >burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to learn her
> >heart's exact location. "Since you're a woman, "the doctor said,
> >"your heart is just below your left breast. "Why do you ask? She
> >hung up without answering. Later that night, Mildred was
> >admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

[reggie 00]

American Medical Association researchers have made a
remarkable discovery.
It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may
benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.

Just thought you'd like to know.

[reggie 00]

A single friend of mine called today and said he really had a strange experience last night.

He met an older woman at a club last night. She was quite OK for 62. They drank a bit, had a bit of a dance, and then she asked, "Have you ever had the sportsman's double; a mother and daughter at the same time?

He replied, "No, I've never been so fortunate."

They drank a bit more, then she said, "Tonight is your lucky night!"

They went to her place, where she put the hall light on and shouted upstairs, "MOM, ARE YOU STILL AWAKE?"

[reggie 00]

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on,you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law . You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"



The wife replied, "The f----n' funeral director would be my first guess."

[reggie 00]

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
>
>
>
>A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite
>her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time
>the
>smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused.
>When
>on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the
>driver
>and he had the man arres ted.
>
>
>
>The case came up in court.
>
>
>
>The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for
>himself.
>
>
>
>
>The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on
>the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a
>sign
>that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she
>moved and
>sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 'S Liniment will reduce the
>swelling,'
>and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that
>said,
>"William's Big Stick Did the Trick," and I could hardly contain myself.
>But,
>Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,
>'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it."
>
>
>
>"CASE DISMISSED!!"

[reggie 00]

A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months. Nurses were in her
room giving her a towel bath. One of them was washing her private area
and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she
touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small,
recognizable movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As
crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and
bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured that they'd close the
curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his
wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart
rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried.

The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked".

[91TPU]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap:

that was a good one!

[Texas Jim]

All Great ones!!! Reggie!!!

[TFJ-4RUNNER]

What do you call a smart blond...




A golden retriever

[TFJ-4RUNNER]

Three vampires walk into a bar. One orders a blood on the rocks. Another orders a double blood. The third simply asks for a mug of hot water.

"Why didn't you order blood like everyone else?" asks the bartender.

The vampire pulls out a tampon and says, "I'm making tea!"


After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife, "What the hell happened last night?"

"As usual, you made an ******* of yourself in front of your boss," replied the wife.

"Piss on him," answered the husband.

"You did," said the wife, "and he fired you."

"Well, ******* him," said the husband.

"I did, and you go back to work in the morning."



An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her
father cursed her.

Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a
line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum
thru?

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a
prostitute...."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to
this family."

"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat,
title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5
million."

"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new
Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership
to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to
spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."

Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a
Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug.



After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"

The mysterious Man answered, "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".

Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family....you've got to send me back straight away".

St Peter replied, "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Brian was devasted, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad," replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode". "You're ovulating," explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before."

"Never," replies Brian.

"Well just relax and let it happen." And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had happened to him...ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting, "Brian, wake up you drunken bastard, you're sh****ng in the bed."

OK I'm done.

[Intrepidyota]

How do you find a gay guy on a nude beach?





































It's not hard. :flipoff:

[kmcc78240]

:rofl:

[arjan]

Lost in Home Depot

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Dep*t when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

[arjan]

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Safeway and standing in line at the check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned.
I told her no it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking myself and a car hit me.



Dumb bitch.......why else would I buy dog food??

[arjan]

A tough old cowboy counselled his grandson that if he wanted to live A long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on His oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103. When he died, he left 14 children, 30 grand-children, 45 great grandchildren, 25 great-great grandchildren, and a 50' crater where the crematorium used to be.

[Texas Jim]

This guy goes to the doctor, he tells the Doctor, "Doc, Every mourning I wake up at 6:00am and I eat breakfast, by 8:30am I have the runs. What's wrong with me?"


The Doctor runs a few test and comes back to the man and says "We are going to have to operate! You have three worms inside you."

The three worms are inside and they hear that, The First worm says "They are going to try and take us out, what are you going to do?"

The second worm says" I am going to hide up behind the heart, They will have a hard time finding me!"

The third worm says "I'm going to hide behind the liver, they will never find me there!"

The second and third worm both ask the first worm. "What are you going to do?"

The first worm says," Man, I'm taking the 8:30am right on out of here!!!" :rofl: :tongueout: :tongueout: :rofl: TJ

[Ric]

Jose & Carlos are panhandling on the street. Jose drives a
Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to
spend.

Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.

Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills
every day.

Jose says "Look at your sign. It says: I have no work, a wife and 6
kids to support".

Carlos looks at Jose's sign.

It reads "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico".

[Texas Jim]

A Man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby, and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled!!


The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221." :laugh: TJ ]

[arjan]

This morning on the way to work I rear-ended a car at a stop light while
not really paying attention.





Anyway the fellow who was driving got out...

And he was a dwarf .

He said "I'm not happy"........

I said "Well which one are you then ?

[neliconcept]

The 70-year old groom and the 25-year old bride attracted raised eyebrow
attention as they checked into the resort hotel. Next morning at eight
sharp, the groom came into the dining room whistling a gay tune, sat down
at a table and ordered ham and eggs. The smile on his face and the twinkle
in his eye told everybody present that he was happy and confident.
Fifteen minutes later the young bride slowly trudged into the dining room
and seated herself across from her 70-year old. Her face was drawn and her
voice weak as she ordered toast and coffee.
The groom, now finished, excused himself and strolled into the lobby for
his morning cigar.
As the waitress approached with the bride's toast and coffee, she said,
"Honey, I don't understand it. Here you are a young bride with an old
husband, looking like you've encountered a buzz saw."
"That guy," said the bride, "double crossed me. He told me he saved up for
60 years and I thought he was talking about money!"

[neliconcept]

Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight.
After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink
orders.


The President asked for a whisky & soda, which was brought and placed
before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like
drink.
The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by
a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!"


The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
"I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice..."

[neliconcept]

this one is great

A Guide to Love and Sex for Virgins



As a young, modern virgin of the nineties, you no doubt have many
questions concerning romance, love, even s..e..x. In this sensitive and
frank "question and answer" format, noted sex therapist Dr Ruth explains
everything you've ever wondered about.

Q: Where can I find the man of my dreams ?
A: This is a difficult question, since every virgin probably has a
different ideal of what their own personal Prince Charming should act
and look like. However, when it comes to finding Mr Right, I can give
you a good suggestion on where to start - and that's in a bar. That's
right, go to a bar... preferably the kind that smells of stale beer and
lots of men crowded around watching a sports event on television. Pick a
man that looks interesting - it's best to stay away from the shallow
"pretty boys" in designer clothes with bulging muscles. Instead, I
recommend you pick somebody a little older and wiser, possibly
reassuring pot belly. Boldly approach him, offer to buy him a few beers,
then invite him back to your place. He'll advise you from there.

Q: How do I know if I found Mr Right ?
A: Unfortunately, there's no sure way to tell. Therefore, I suggest you
try out many different kinds of men and many different kinds of bars.

Q: Do men like aggresive virgins?
A: Definitely. Although they don't admit it, men are often shy - so it's
up to you to be bold. In addition to bars, don't be afraid to approach
men on streetcorners, in restaurants, even in restrooms. Break the ice
with simple "hello", followed by an offer to buy them dinner, drinks -
even an expensive gift. Then invite them to back to your place.

Q: What if a man's married ?
A: Go for it. This is a great opportunity to enjoy the valuable
experience a married man possesses, without being tied down by any sort
of commitment.

Q: But what if I fall in love with a married man ?
A: This is a tough one, especially if you're a woman and find yourself
pregnant. Ask him how he feels about his wife and family. If he says his
wife doesn't understand him and he's thinking of leaving her, believe
him and continue your relationship, secure in the knowledge that he'll
soon make good his promise. Married men rarely lie about such important
matters.

Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex ?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes
to love and sex, experienced men are much more responsible, since
they're not confused emotionally as virgins. It's a proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date ?
A: YES. Before if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex ?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to
remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question.
Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at
first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last ?
A: This is a natural and normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or
embarrassed. After your man has finished making love, he'll have a
natural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends to
play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his
friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol
and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left
out - while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing his laundry,
cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an
expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

Q: What is "afterplay" ?
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly
energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to
do after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making
him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone
to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

Q: Does the size of the penis matter ?
A: Yes. Although many virgins believe that quality, not quantity, is
important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male
penis measures about six centimeters. Anything longer than that is
extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is seven
centimeters or over, you should go down on your knees and thank you
lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his
laundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift.

Q: What about the orgasm ?
A: What about it ? There's no such thing. It's a myth.

Q: Are you sure ?
A: Will you stop asking so many questions ? Do you distrust experienced
men or something? Instead, prove how much you care for your boyfriend by
going out and buying him an expensive gift.

[EWAYota]

"Boy is my neck stiff. I took a Viagra earlier, guess I didn't swallow it fast enough."

"My wife keeps asking me to buy her something that will do 0-160 in 10 seconds, so I bought her a couple of weight scales"

[Texas Jim]

[font=Verdana]One night, as a couple lays down for bet, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.

The wife turns over and says " I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over.

A few minutes later, he rolls over and taps his wife again.

"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?":clap: :rofl: TJ

[Texas Jim]

A couple had been married for 50 years.

The were setting at the breakfast table one mourning when the wife says,

"Just think fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," The old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered. Let's relive some old times."

Whereupon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey ," the little old lady breathlessly replied,

My (edit) [pointed things on the end of my breast,] are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."


"I wouldn't be surprised," replies Gramps,
"One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal." :rofl: TJ

[reggie 00]

DON'T LAUGH!

"Don't laugh!" said the patient, Jim.

Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In
over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Jim said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing
the tiniest 'hoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger
than the size of a AAA battery.


Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell
laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and
regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came
over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentlemen, I promise it won't happen
again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Jim replied

:flipoff:

[Texas Jim]

LOL!!! Reggie

[reggie 00]

LOGIC Two old farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.
Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college, and sign up for some classes."

Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up f or the four basic classes: Math, English, history, and Logic.

"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"

The Dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

"Yeah."

"Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that ; you would have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think ;logically that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

"Yes, I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater."

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Log ic?" Bob says, "What's that?"

Jim says, "I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eat er?"

"No."

"Then you're a queer."

[Texas Jim]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :tongueout: :rofl: :rofl: Yes Reggie I get the innuendos.... Did you forget I got booted at the other place for that???? lol TJ

[reggie 00]

Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.

@ PRISON
@ WORK

you spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell
you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle

you get three meals a day fully paid for
you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it

you get time off for good behavior
you get more work for good behavior

the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you
you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself

you can watch TV and play games
you could get fired for watching TV and playing games

you get your own toilet
you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat

they allow your family and friends to visit
you aren't even supposed to speak to your family

all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required
you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners

you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out
you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars

you must deal with sadistic wardens
they are called managers

THERE IS SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE!!!!




Now get back to work. You're not getting paid to check emails

[Texas Jim]

What do you call an Amish man with his arm up a horse's rear end???



A Mechanic !!! :tongueout: TJ

[Texas Jim]

What's the difference between a Dentist and a Gynecologists??


Teeth !!! :hillbill: TJ

[oly884]

"Boy is my neck stiff. I took a Viagra earlier, guess I didn't swallow it fast enough."

"My wife keeps asking me to buy her something that will do 0-160 in 10 seconds, so I bought her a couple of weight scales"


Listen to Brad Paisley much? haha