Question for those of you who have lived with a significan other

[oly884]

Current situation, my girlfriend is living with me, makes sense not only financially, but we get along great, don't fight, bla bla bla...

Anyways, she's going through a tough time finding work, missing family, etc, and now wants to move out and rent a room from someone on craigslist (she's been searching a lot). She doesn't like having her own space, feels she's unorganized, etc. Keep in mind I should be moving out within a few months as I'm looking to get into a house.

She still wants to 'be together' and has assured me that our relationship is great. I guess I'm having some trouble really understanding why she thinks is a GOOD idea to move out. She doesn't seem to want to try and make things work with our current living situation, let alone just wait a few more months till we can find something a bit more roomy.

So, the question is, what's my fellow UY'ers take on this? Am I being irrational? Is it not a big deal for two people to live together, then move out but keep their relationship going?

[2ndGen]

......So, the question is, what's my fellow YT'ers take on this?

FAIL!!!! what the heck is "YT'ers"?

ok, i think you need to take it easy, be open minded, and prepair fo the worst. don't force anything, but more importantly, don't make a baby at the same time.

[oly884]

......So, the question is, what's my fellow YT'ers take on this?

FAIL!!!! what the heck is "YT'ers"?

ok, i think you need to take it easy, be open minded, and prepair fo the worst. don't force anything, but more importantly, don't make a baby at the same time.




Well, that shows how attentive I am at this point.... haha thanks.

Oh, I'm fully prepared for the worst, the simply fact that this is already happening tells me a lot.

[Erich_870]

I can say from personal experience that if she thinks she needs to move out, you won't be able to keep her if she doesn't.

I lived with my now wife back in college and we had a couple other roommates and it was TERRIBLE! I know you two are living together without roommates, but when our lease came up and the owner wanted the house back, I had to tell her that I couldn't live together anymore. She had to find a roommate off a bulletin board and man was she PISSED! It looked rocky for us for a little while, but the truth is that we wouldn’t be married today if I hadn't insisted we not live together. I guess I'm saying don't assume it means the end of you two if she wants her own place right now.

Erich :)

[oly884]

I can say from personal experience that if she thinks she needs to move out, you won't be able to keep her if she doesn't.

I lived with my now wife back in college and we had a couple other roommates and it was TERRIBLE! I know you two are living together without roommates, but when our lease came up and the owner wanted the house back, I had to tell her that I couldn't live together anymore. She had to find a roommate off a bulletin board and man was she PISSED! It looked rocky for us for a little while, but the truth is that we wouldn’t be married today if I hadn't insisted we not live together. I guess I'm saying don't assume it means the end of you two if she wants her own place right now.

Erich :)



Right, I'm not trying to stop her from moving. However, I feel that it really is a knee-jerk reaction to some tough times in her life and I want her to make sure that she is really thinking this through. I've tried the "two people should be able to get through tough times together, not apart" but doesn't seem to work.

[04 Rocko Taco]

David, this is a toughn time, and I think I have to say I am on your side here, I can't see how moving out is going to help, if she is trying to find her own space and have room to be organized, is living with anyone else really going to be different than living with you?? And if she is having trouble finding work, it seems to make more sense to work through current living situations rather than try to find something new, I dont think it means the end of a relationship, but not only her, but I think you might need to take a hard look at the direction you guys are heading if tough times seem to be a factor in driving her away from you....

[CJM]

Dont see how moving out is gonna help really, irrational if anything.

Honestly, knee jerk reaction and let her stew over it for awhile to make sure she wants to do it.

If she is jobless how does she expect to pay for said rooming btw?

[slosurfer]

First a couple things. Tony that was a nice catch on the YT'rs comment. :laugh: Second, Erich, you kicked your woman out. :laugh:

Oly, does she have her own friends?

[oly884]

David, this is a toughn time, and I think I have to say I am on your side here, I can't see how moving out is going to help, if she is trying to find her own space and have room to be organized, is living with anyone else really going to be different than living with you?? And if she is having trouble finding work, it seems to make more sense to work through current living situations rather than try to find something new, I dont think it means the end of a relationship, but not only her, but I think you might need to take a hard look at the direction you guys are heading if tough times seem to be a factor in driving her away from you....


I don't see it either, but as I told her, if that's what she really wants....
I've also told her to not get down on herself so much about not finding a job, it's tough out there right now. And you're exactly right, I have been looking at this from a bigger perspective, I've tried to tell her that what happens 1, 2, 5 years down the road if we are together and you go through something similar, will you feel you 'need to move out'? What if we're married? What if we have kids? There are a lot of times in your life that you simply HAVE to deal with uncomfortable situations.



Dont see how moving out is gonna help really, irrational if anything.

Honestly, knee jerk reaction and let her stew over it for awhile to make sure she wants to do it.

If she is jobless how does she expect to pay for said rooming btw?


And that's exactly what I'm doing, I just had to share with you guys to see if I'm looking at this rationally. As for the money issue, she's got enough saved up to be fine on her own for a long time, I still don't think it's smart, but that's not a big concern of mine.



First a couple things. Tony that was a nice catch on the YT'rs comment. :laugh: Second, Erich, you kicked your woman out. :laugh:

Oly, does she have her own friends?


She doesn't have her own friends, she moved out here about a year an a half ago so all her family and friends are back on the east coast. I know that's a factor, and we've even talked about her going back home for a while instead of just staying in seattle and moving out of my place. I personally think going back home for a while would be better for her than trying to move in with strangers here. Not only will that be a safer bet (never liked the idea of living with strangers), but at least she'll have friends and family to talk to.

At this point, all I'm wanting now is for her to make up her mind. I'm not thrilled about her moving out or going back home, but at the same time, it is starting to affect 'us' and something needs to be done. If it ain't meant to be, it ain't meant to be, I'd love for it to continue to work, but sadly, it doesn't always work that way....

[2ndGen]

She doesn't have her own friends,....

i'd give it more doubt. girls ALWAYS have girl friends whom are "easy", whom always telling them about life shouldn't be that tough on the hot ones. i.e. they sould never pay for dinner and drinks that kinda thing. your GF may not believe what they say, but there's alway that voice behind her ears telling her she doesn't deserve this. that may confuse her while going through the tough times early in her life specially without the trusty parents around her.

i don't know how you difine "the worst", but i'd make sure you have the financial ties cleaned up, use protection while you two are still together. absolutely, positively make sure these 2 things don't happen:
a.) you end up paying her car payment.
b.) she come back a year later telling you have been invited to be on the Maury Povich Show.







my 0.02

[Small_words]

I've only been married a bit over one year, but am now 32 and during my time in the military I went through a ton of girlfriends because I'd be home for 3 months and gone for 2 with a few days warning sometimes. Not too many girls liked me disappearing before birthdays and getting a telephone call from Nigeria a couple weeks later. I learned a lot from this however.

You're right to say you can't keep her from going and I understand you don't want to prevent her from doing this. She has to recognize that you're better together than apart and that she loves her life with you. I had some problems when I first got married because I had a lot of independent/adventure times in the military and didn't realize that I loved being with my wife more than I enjoyed going to Honduras with my crew. Your girlfriend might be having the same issues. It took another long trip without her to realize that I was not the same anymore. Don't prepare for a breakup because that's going to set your heart against her and a breakup will happen. Love her and continue your relationship as close as possible to what it was before she moved. Also, don't ever remind her of this in the future because it's not that you were right and she wrong, but she needed to appreciate what she has with you. Sorry for the ramble but it's not a simple subject.

[slosurfer]

Sounds like with no friends and no job, she may just be feeling that she has nothing for herself or her own "space". I don't mean "space" as in you're hovering over her, but in the sense that at this point you are her "life" and with no friends, job, or her own place, she has no "space". Also, she may be feeling that she has no identity at this time other than you and the two of you. At least with her own room, she will have something that's "hers".

I don't know if it's the smartest thing for her to do right now, but I don't think it has to be the end of you guys either.

[callmej75]

To me Oly...take this with a grain of salt...but if she isn't willing to stay with you thru the tough times in her life, then she really hasn't thought over how life is supposed to be in a relationship. You work together and get thru things together.

My opinion, she has things goin on in her head that she wants to do and doesn't want you to know about it. She doesn't want to ruin your friendship together, but she is pulling games on the relationship.

Call me a pessimist, but I see it as a realist's point of view....err on the bad and expect the bad and act like it doesn't even bother you. Don't ask her why she is doing this, just let her go.

There are too many questions unanswered at this point. Why would she do this jobless? No money to pay rent? Soon or later, roommates require more of you and you seem like a burden. With you, she has no burden. So why is she doing this? Back to my previous statement...I believe she has some tricks up her sleeve and wants to get out and accomplish these "tricks."

Now...go get a beer....ogle at other good looking women....and go forth with your own life! If she doesn't want to be a part of the bad, with the good, then so be it!

[Small_words]

Justin, by saying "It's over if you move out" is essentially the same thing as what you're accusing her of, giving up when times get rough.

[callmej75]

I knew I was gonna get some bad feedback from that one....LOL

Name is Jeremy.

I am the realist....she is not finding happiness just being by Oly's side? She needs to find her place in this world? She probably has the man in front of her face and doesn't realize it. Women like this tend to fade more than stick to their man.

Oly has the ultimate decision.....we are just here for input. I can only analyze what he is going thru by my own dealings with the situation. Been there? yep....toooooooo many times. I am really notta jerk neither? Learned from it? Sure did!

There is that very small percentage that wants to find that happy place in the world. Kudos to the women who did stick to their guns on this one.

Oly is a confused individual right now....and like stated above in someone else's post, always expect the worst. It's a good defense mechanism that works in some situations to bounce back from something catastrophic to the ego us guys have sometimes.

I too have served the military and met lots of women around the world. I have done my homework on this...lived it and have a great woman by my side now.

He is not essentially giving up...but we are preparing him for what MAY come his way.

[waskillywabbit]

I too am a realist. No where do I see any "love" mentioned. "Relationship" "get along great" blah blah blah

Infatuation? Familiarity? Comfort? Love? Unless you love her and cannot picture yourself living without her...move on.

Been married 16 years come this Friday. :love:

:guitar:

[callmej75]

B that's right....

I am going on 3 yrs at almost 34 yrs. old...

I don't know whether or not this is appropriate to say congrats B!?

Oly....you're pretty young man. live the life, but know what you have lived and learn from it. It's all learning!

Ok I am done with my psychology presentation...

[RunnerUp]

if you do find a house and move in while you two are not living together... build a man cave, have LOTS of guy time and flirt with the local talent (flirtings good for everyone) i feel your pain on this one...

i would er on the side of "if you love them, let them go, if they return, they were always yours."

dont do anything definitive, but take the approach of "whatever makes you comfortable" and roll with it, take this as a clue that you might be back on the market soon so dont throw away any great girls while you are trying to hold onto this one, ive made that mistake way three times in my life... granted im young but still...

either way, in a few months everything will have worked itself out and then you will look back on this and be like "what was i so worried about?"

[oly884]

Some more clarification/update.

Yes, I do love her and definitely see myself wanting to spend the rest of my life with her, both of us have talked about our future together. The starting of this thread was not about what to do, but rather, is my line of thinking, not in line. I felt (and still feel) it would be sill that it is silly for two people who love each other, and enjoy living together, to move out because one person is going through a bit of a rough patch. When you really think about it, not being able to get through times like those, together, is very telling about whether a relationship could last through family deaths, children, money problems, etc. That is the way I look(ed) at it, and I think that she finally started to understand my concerns. It's not that I wanted out, or that I want anything, at all, to happen to us, but like you guys, I'm a realist, and if we cannot get through tough times while living together, then what makes someone think that moving out, temporarilly, will help?

With that said, I appreciate all the comments. She has decided to stay here, and continue to live together. I do see a need for her to have a more defined "space" as such, I am turning a spare bedroom into a "her space" set up another computer, desk, chair, etc. So, if she feels the need she has it. I'm going to do whatever *I* can to make her feel comfortable and give her the space she needs. I cannot stop her from moving, but I can question the reasons for it and hopefully, with those questions, at least get her to understand why I feel the way I do.

[paddlenbike]

Sounds like a good choice Oly.

[fustercluck]

David, within each of us is a need for self reliance and independence. The young lady may have developed a sense of conflict with her nature by being unemployed and reliant on others for support. I think that would drive me to irrationality.

I don't know her nor am I familiar with enough details to make a sound observation, but if I were in her shoes, I would try to reassert my independence and value too. Sometime folks can't put a label on whst they are feeling and so can't explain why they have a particular reaction or impulse. One thing's for sure, she still has the problem. She is just willing to cope with it for a while longer.

Perhaps if you could discern what the source of her anxiety is you could move to relieve it or better; help her relieve it. I think you are a wise young man. You will know what to do with enough careful pondering.

[callmej75]

Oly...

Good to hear...sounds like she may have a head on her shoulders.

Good luck!

[oly884]

SHTF

She's stayed out the last several nights, little communication, I'm packing her stuff!

Hey, I tried, oh well!

Might merge this with the "Failure at its finest" thread, :laugh:

[callmej75]

And here I actually thought she could be the one to change my perspective on things...

Good move! Get her packed and tell her don't let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya!

[Obi..]

SHTF

She's stayed out the last several nights, little communication, I'm packing her stuff!

Hey, I tried, oh well!

Might merge this with the "Failure at its finest" thread, :laugh:


Sorry to hear David, I pulled my posts/suggestions b/c I thought you had worked things out. FWIW you should follow some form of what I suggested and get in touch at least with her family. This way they have a clue at least about her behavior.

I know this might be tough for you, but take it as a sign there is possibly someone better for you out there you havn't met yet. (Karma/God type thing.)

[Obi..]

And here I actually thought she could be the one to change my perspective on things...

Good move! Get her packed and tell her don't let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya!


Change the lock yet?

[fustercluck]

This may provide little comfort now David, but there will be a day when you're glad she left to make way for the one who will commit to you and reciprocate devotion and respect.

[CJM]

He such as the way it goes, better to find out now then when your married and have kids.

[callmej75]

Yeh child support is no joke...

[YotaFun]

This may provide little comfort now David, but there will be a day when you're glad she left to make way for the one who will commit to you and reciprocate devotion and respect.


Fuster, couldn't have said it better!
Such as life, but karma will kick in

[oly884]

Thanks guys for the kind words, it means a lot!

She's finding a place to rent right now, and staying at a friends place. We had a good talk, and it's clear that she has too much going on with her life, and is not at the point where she can deal with these things and be in a relationship. I don't think we're just going to cut ties completely and not talk again, but I told her that she needs time, away from me and our relationship to really decide if I am the person she's wanting to be with. I'd sure like to think so, but it's not for me to make that decision, no matter the result of this, I hope she ends up happy.

[fustercluck]

That's a noble attitude. Can't say I had the same with some of my xGF's. In the end everything seems to work out for the best. It's only when we try to force our will against fate that life becomes untenable. Either way, we're always here for you Oly.

[Small_words]

Oly, I echo Fuster on this, you're much more noble than I would be. Change the lock and change ALL your passwords, especially on your bank acconts.