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Thread: Best of Craigslist stories....

  1. #1

    Best of Craigslist stories....

    Posting this in the NSFW section because I suspect we'll get a lot of various stories that will end up being NSFW

    If you want to contribute, lets keep the format the same so it's easy for all of us to follow:
    1) throw url so we can check out the funnies
    2) quote the story so we keep a copy here just in case it gets deleted (very important!)

    with that, ENJOY!

    CL Story Link

    PIT BULL Vs. RACCOON
    Date: 2004-08-26, 6:33PM PDT


    All my life I've pondered what would happen if you caged a raccoon, threw him in a ring with a pit bull and had them fight to the death. No, I'm not going to start a thread about how my animal abusive uncle pulled off such a feat (because he would), but this morning at about 3 am I was fortunate enough to witness about 30 seconds worth of this dream match-up and it didn't disappoint!

    I'm sound asleep early this morning when I'm suddenly awakened by the intensity of a fierce street fight between 3 cats...fuckin' battle royal WWF style, and everybody knows what a cat fight sounds like. The only reason this cat fight peeked my interest was because usually cat fights last about 15-20 seconds before one cat realizes he's about to get his ass whupped and runs away like a little bitch. Not this fight. This was fuckin' Ali/ Frazier and after about 45 seconds of ferocity I knew I had to get some ringside seats because these cats were absolutely getting after it! I run to my front room window which looks down on the street and and it was beautiful!! The street light in front of my neighbors house shined right down on the fight like I was at Ceasars Palace. The only thing missing was a giant bong rip and a few half naked ring card girls....and beer. And hookers.....anway....

    So I must have been watching this free for all for about 45 seconds when out of nowhere this big fuckin' raccoon comes rollin' up 5 deep out of the alley between my house and my neighbors' to the right. I mean he's got his posse in full effect. I dont know, they might have been his bitches, all I know is I saw him out of the corner of my eye and at first I thought it was a dog, thats how big this coon was. I see raccoons all the time but this bastard was abnormally big, he was like Deebo from the movie Friday without the introduction music. The intense whine of the cat fight must have attracted his attention, he probably was in some dumpster getting his eat on when he heard the commotion, turned to his hoes and was like, "You wanna go see me whup some ass?" So he rolls up with his entourage and within seconds this cat fight comes to an abrupt end. Game over. Thanks for coming. In the blink of an eye 2 of the cats are fuckin' ghost! They know better. They're like, "No need to stick around, thats the biggest motherfuckin' racoon I've ever seen, I'M OUT!!" Now the other cat, he didn't move. He must have paged the coons or some shit because you could tell they were boys. The minute he saw the calvary coming he probably looked at the other cats and was like, "Yeah, whats up now bitches? This is my block. West side. Recognize!" Throwing up alley cat gang signs n' shit. So I'm watching this and my adrenaline is just pumping, I love confrontation especially between animals. I'm a little disappointed that this raccoon showed up because he broke up a really entertaining cat fight but just when I was about to climax all over myself things got really interesting...

    My neighbors to the left own a pitbull named Davis and by no means is Davis one of those "trained to kill" style ghetto pitbulls, he's actually a sweetheart but he is a pitbull and he can get down. Davis is the kind of dog that is cool with humans but will not hesitate to obliterate any cat he can run down. Occasionally he gets under the fence which doesnt bother me at all but at times has the other neighbors terrofied. Sure enough Davis also heard the catfight and wanted to get a live glimpse himself, he just didn't know he was about to come face to face with a 105+ pound coon. So the minute I see Davis I let out with a "HOLY SHIT!!!" and once again my adrenaline is flaring like a pack of hemorroids because I knew this had the potential to be fuckin' awesome! With that my roommate comes bolting out of his room half asleep thinking somebody was breaking into his piece of shit car, it's black as pitch in our house and dude just runs head on into the hall way corridor. Fuckin' WHAM!!. He goes to turn on the lights in the living room and I'm like, "No, you're going to scare them away," he still has no idea whats going on and turns his attention to what I'm watching and just flips out!! He's more pumped up than I am! You have to understand, my roommate and I are HUGE boxing fanatics who grew up together and were the type of guys who would have heated debates over who would win in a fight, John Rambo or Luke Skywalker. You know the types. King Kong or Godzilla? Mountain lion Vs. Black bear? So this was right up our alley.

    The minute the raccoons see Davis four of them decide it was in their best interest to find the nearest escape route and head right back towards the alley. Not the big fella. This raccoon had balls of steel and even Davis was kinda lookin' at him like, "Yo nigga, don't you know who I am? Is your ass crazy or something? I'm a fuckin' pit bull son." However the only thing on this coons' mind was tearing shit up. So Davis is sizing up the situation and this raccoon goes right into a defensive attack position. It was about to be on and I'm not sure how it happened but within' moments my roommate and I are engaged in a heated debate over the outcome and automatically a 20 dollar bet was on the table. So he starts going off about Davis having "lock jaw" and once Davis establishes that advantage the fight would be over, Davis would tear him apart. I start telling him that it's not going to matter what kind of jaw Davis has because the second he gets close, that raccoon is going to use his razor sharp paws and carve him up something fierce. So we are going round and round like fuckin' Jim Lampley and Larry Merchant from HBO Sports and as always when my adrenaline starts and I get excited...I gotta take an enormous shit. I mean I'm straight up turtle heading. I cant hold it any longer.

    Alright give me some room here....does anyone else get that or is it just me? I dont know why, but ever since I could remember anytime I feel any type of anxiety I automatically have to take a giant dump. It's the craziest thing. If I go to Blockbuster to rent a movie, within about 2 minutes I have to take a shit. Same thing if I go pick up a video game, it's like fuckin' clock work. When I''m about to light up a giant bong rip, I always run to the bathroom first. And sometimes there's no bathroom around so I have to go with the "heal plunge" where I bend over to pretend like I'm tying my shoe but all I'm really doing is ramming my heal up my ass to stop me from shitting all over myself. Speaking of video games, when I was 13 my little brother would bring over his chinese friend to play Nintendo and this kid was such a savage that he wouldn't even bother to press pause when he had to take a shit, he'd just drop a growler right there in his pants!! I mean come on, I know chinese kids love video games but there's a pause button for a reason. This kid was like, "no way" getting to level 9 in Mega Man was WAY more important than a trip to the bathroom. Little fella would just go caveman style right there in the living room.....

    So anyway, I frantically sprint to the bathroom about to drop my garbage all over the floor and I'm on the toilet yelling at my roommate to give me "the play by play". I must have been on the shitter for like 12 seconds flat, if crapping was an Olympic sport I'd have just brought home the gold. I run back into the living room with a trail of toilet paper still lodged in my ass and as soon as I take my seat, my cock blocking neighbor comes flying out of her house screaming at her dog to come. Obviously with that the coon bolts, I'm bummed out of my mind, my roommate throws on the lights in the living room and dude is sporting a 3 inch gash right down his forehead. Apparently when he came running out of his room and took on the hallway corridor the guy split his fuckin' wig. He's got blood all over his shirt like he just went toe to toe with a god damn mountain lion.......

    I got to get some sleep.
    Lance
    TLCA Member

    2003 4Runner SR5 4x4 Chaos Edition
    2000 Toyota Landcruiser
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  2. #2

    Re: Best of Craigslist stories....

    I just ran across this about 20 minutes ago on craigslist:

    Since many people have been using this site as a forum I guess I will jump in, Who the hell thinks they can hire a competent CNC programer for $14 per hour. The matal working trades in Charlotte suck!, my unemployment pays more.

    Compensation: crap
    Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
    Please, no phone calls about this job!
    Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.
    http://charlotte.craigslist.org/mnu/985528167.html

    Wonder if that guy will get a job.
    -Daniel2000 4Runner Sport | V6 | 5spd | 4x4 | Leather | 265/75-16 BFG AT/KO | OBA | BudBuilt front skid

    1990 4Runner SR5 | V6 | Auto | 2wd | 3.90 rear | Cobra CB | 265/65r17 Bridgestone Duelers H/Ts | '08 Tacoma 5 spoke rims | Has an 11:1 crawl ratio! SOLD

  3. #3

    Re: Best of Craigslist stories....

    wtf are you guys looking for when you find this stuff? the only thing i ever search on CL for is "toyota" or "boat".... you guys are way too bored
    Kyle<br /><br /><br />2002 4Runner - Supercharged - 2.5&quot; OME Lift - ARB Air Locker - 33&quot; Nitto Terragrapplers - ARB Bull Bar - Warn 9.5xp - Light Force Lamps - Safari Snorkel - Nomad Skids - Dual Batteries - Tundra 199mm Brakes - APO Disc Brake Conversion -

  4. #4

    Re: Best of Craigslist stories....

    Kyle,

    when you're bored of surfing I somehow always end up reading hours on cl Sometimes you find the funniest stuff that it really gets ya hooked to find that next treasure
    Lance
    TLCA Member

    2003 4Runner SR5 4x4 Chaos Edition
    2000 Toyota Landcruiser
    19xx M416 Trailer

    Chaos Edition Profile
    Operation Rebuilding Chaos Edition
    01001001001001110110110100100000011000010010000001 11011101100101011000100111011101101000011001010110 010101101100011001010111001000100001

  5. #5

    Re: Best of Craigslist stories....

    ** Girlfriend Potential Test ***
    Date: 2008-07-20, 10:16PM EDT


    Instructions: Please answer the questions below as directed in each section. You will be marked for grammar, spelling, cleverness, creativity and boob-size. Please keep in mind that while this is not an application for a job, your performance on this test will be a reflection of your ability to achieve certain positions once out in the real world. When the clock strikes the hour, you may begin. You have sixty minutes to complete the test.

    Section One: Multiple Choice (Answer All, 5 points)

    When submitting answers via email, please copy and paste the question and then your answer selection beside it.

    Q1. Six months into our relationship, I go away to a tropical location with my family for a week over Christmas. This vacation was planned as a family event two years prior to meeting you. This is:
    a) A great opportunity to get some things done without me around.
    b) A great opportunity to attempt to sleep with my college roommate and/or my boss.
    c) A sign that you are probably just a casual thing that I could toss aside at any given moment despite the fact I bought you probably the most thoughtful gift you've ever received and written you a letter for every day that I'll be gone, inciting you to 'Go on the Defensive.'
    d) Occasion to have a sexy dinner at home the night before I leave, and a mini 'welcome home' party when I get back that’s guest list is just you, me, a bottle of wine and a pack of condoms.

    Q2. We've talked every night for eight days (not including the dinner/opera show I took you to on Saturday night that was followed by possibly your worst performance in bed ever, or the Monday night that I came over and we spent the evening making Rachel Ray recipes and watching Heroes followed by the best oral sex I've ever given you), with conversation time averaging about an hour per night. On a Thursday night, when on a deadline, I express a need to get off the phone so I can finish some work and go to bed at a reasonable hour. You:
    a) Express your feelings of devotion in three words or less, then and quickly say goodbye after confirming plans for tomorrow night are still on.
    b) Say goodbye, but then immediately begin talking about something that we hadn't discussed as thoroughly as is scientifically, legally or religiously possible two nights prior.
    c) Take that as a sign that I'm abandoning you, and begin to point out that because of it I have commitment issues, that you're clearly not my priority, and then cry.
    d) Say goodbye, but manage to do it with such menace and venom that I stay on the phone for another three silence filled hours, broken only by fits of gentle weeping and suicide threats.

    Q3. I'm throwing change at your cleavage, which is readily on display in that loose fitting tank top you wear around my place on Sundays after brunch. Do you:
    a) Wing the largest of the coins at my head, with an evil glare and then refuse to speak to me for the rest of the day.
    b) Encourage my behavior, and allow me to purchase Afternoon Delights from you at discount prices.
    c) Cry.
    d) Cry and pick a fight with me, taking my actions as a total lack of respect for you and then begin to point out that because of it I have commitment issues, that you're clearly not my priority, and then cry some more.


    Q4. We're having a fight. You:
    a) Throw me out of your apartment, then thirty minutes later send 17 texts and attempt to call 13 times in the space of six minutes.
    b) Give me space when the discussion gets too heated for rational thought, and redress your complaints in a calm manner when we've both had a chance to cool down.
    c) Flip me the bird.
    d) Wail on my junk.
    e) both c and d
    f) realize that the fight is about nothing, and begin creating fictional problems and make wild accusations about my obsession with material goods and having a wandering eye.
    g) f, then d, then c.

    Q5. I play [video games OR tabletop gaming OR fantasy football]. You:
    a) Want to join in, because it looks like hella fun.
    b) Leave me to it, in the hopes that I'll leave you a few things to participate in on your own.
    c) Attempt to get me to quit, and use tactics like nagging, vandalism and emotional sabotage as an effective campaign against what you call my 'nerdy addiction.'
    d) c, but also include deriding me to your friends.

    Section Two: True or False (Answer All, 10 points)

    When submitting answers via email, please copy and paste the question and then your answer selection beside it.

    Q1. Rationale and Reason are the same thing.

    Q2. A cheerleader AND/OR schoolgirl outfit is a wardrobe must.

    Q3. Talking in your 'cute voice' just before you put my balls in my mouth is sexy.

    Q4. Learning body language and communication cues is important.

    Q5. 'Anchorman' and 'Superbad' are hilarious movies.

    Q6. "But it's cute when I do it" should be a legally viable defense.

    Q7. Chest hair is gross.

    Q8. Bono is probably the most important political figure of our generation.

    Q9. Sex is an important part of a relationship, and should be had frequently, often, whenever possible - within moderation, of course.

    Q10. A relationship is metaphorically a two way street. So is your butt.

    Section Three: Short Essay. (Answer ONE, 5 points)

    Please select one of the following questions and answer it as fully as time will allow. Please try and be as descriptive as possible, and where applicable, come up with at least TWO convincing arguments to support your case. Arguments must be backed up with cited evidence, not anecdotal perspective.


    Q1. If I was a crime-fighting vigilante by night, what efforts would you make to support my cause about the rising threat of evil in this city?

    Q2. Please come up with a convincing game-plan for having me come shopping with you, keeping in mind my retail oriented attention span is about twelve minutes, and I am prone to wandering after flashing lights and shiny things.

    Q3. Please argue why you are (do) or are not (do not): 'Down to Earth', 'Have a sense of humor' and 'Laid back'. Bonus if you can include evidence to confirm that you truly do avoid 'head games.'

    Please submit answers via the email link provided. Please also keep a copy of this test and your answers to submit to future suitors for reference. Remember to ensure your name, number and bra size are clearly written at the top of your paper, and don't forget to attach a photo (3/4 length or full).


    * Location: Uptown
    * it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
    Marc<br />96&#39; T100 SR5 4x4<br /><br />Other rides:<br />00 Honda 416EX

  6. #6

    Re: Best of Craigslist stories....

    alright.... after reading CJM's find... i believe next time i am truly bored i will try this out, and, i will possibly carry a copy of that around with me next time i go to the bar, should make a great ice breaker!
    Kyle<br /><br /><br />2002 4Runner - Supercharged - 2.5&quot; OME Lift - ARB Air Locker - 33&quot; Nitto Terragrapplers - ARB Bull Bar - Warn 9.5xp - Light Force Lamps - Safari Snorkel - Nomad Skids - Dual Batteries - Tundra 199mm Brakes - APO Disc Brake Conversion -

  7. #7

    Re: Best of Craigslist stories....

    Quote Originally Posted by RunnerUp
    alright.... after reading CJM's find... i believe next time i am truly bored i will try this out, and, i will possibly carry a copy of that around with me next time i go to the bar, should make a great ice breaker!
    Im thinking they will slap you after you present them with that or ask them the Q's RunnerUp.
    Marc<br />96&#39; T100 SR5 4x4<br /><br />Other rides:<br />00 Honda 416EX

  8. #8

    Re: Best of Craigslist stories....

    im sure its a possibility, but it wouldnt be the first time, and i figure its about the way you ask it. if you ask it all sleazy like sure, but if you make it a joke then perhaps not?
    Kyle<br /><br /><br />2002 4Runner - Supercharged - 2.5&quot; OME Lift - ARB Air Locker - 33&quot; Nitto Terragrapplers - ARB Bull Bar - Warn 9.5xp - Light Force Lamps - Safari Snorkel - Nomad Skids - Dual Batteries - Tundra 199mm Brakes - APO Disc Brake Conversion -

  9. #9

    Re: Best of Craigslist stories....

    Quote Originally Posted by RunnerUp
    im sure its a possibility, but it wouldnt be the first time, and i figure its about the way you ask it. if you ask it all sleazy like sure, but if you make it a joke then perhaps not?
    One never knows with the ladies..could very well work..
    Marc<br />96&#39; T100 SR5 4x4<br /><br />Other rides:<br />00 Honda 416EX

  10. #10

    Re: Best of Craigslist stories....

    i predict a new NSFW thread staring me, a questionare handout and the local talent... coming next week!
    Kyle<br /><br /><br />2002 4Runner - Supercharged - 2.5&quot; OME Lift - ARB Air Locker - 33&quot; Nitto Terragrapplers - ARB Bull Bar - Warn 9.5xp - Light Force Lamps - Safari Snorkel - Nomad Skids - Dual Batteries - Tundra 199mm Brakes - APO Disc Brake Conversion -

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