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Thread: Best of Craigslist stories....

  1. #11

    Re: Best of Craigslist stories....

    Quote Originally Posted by NorCalBorn
    I am really not sure whether or not this is a dual sub-forum topic, as it could also end up in the "Fail" thread!

    best of craigslist > SF bay area > I want to have sex in a bathtub full of breakfast cereal - m4w
    Originally Posted: Wed, 3 Dec 11:55 PST
    I want to have sex in a bathtub full of breakfast cereal - m4w

    Date: 2008-12-03, 11:55AM PST


    I am looking for a kindred spirit that enjoys, sex, baths, and cereal. So why not try them all at the same time? Now, be warned… I have some very specific stipulations for this fantasy of mine:

    1) The cereal must have less than 2 grams of protein per serving. That’s right, the pure sugar stuff kids eat to get roofed like junkies on speed. These can include:

    Fruity Pebbles
    Count Chocula
    Cookie Crisp
    Cocoa Pebbles
    Cocoa Puffs
    Golden Crisps
    Honey Smacks
    Cap’n Crunch’s Peanut Butter Crunch
    Cap’n Crunch
    Apple Jacks
    Froot Loops
    Corn Pops

    If you have other suggestions I am more than happy to entertain them.

    2) It must be 2% milk, having sex in a bathtub full of cereal is no time for moderation. Plus, I need to get my daily dose of Vitamins A and D.

    3) You must be comfortable in the doggie style position. I don’t see any other way to avoid shrinkage and still let you enjoy your cereal before it becomes too mushy.

    4) If you insist of photography/videography I will need to insist that I wear a Mexican wrestling mask a la Nacho Libre.

    5) I plan on making this a safe encounter to please feel free to bring your own utensils.

    After we are finished if you feel like you need something to make you regular again, I should have some Grape-Nuts that you can nibble on. If you are serious, send me a photo, I need to make sure you can fit into the tub.

    Location: bathtub
    it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
    PostingID: 943626343
    not sure which is funnier, the story or that YOU found it...
    2005 Lexus LX470 - Stock for now...

    1998 Toyota 4Runner SR5 V6 4x4 + a bunch of goodies. Lifted, Locked, Illuminated and Armored. Winner,"Best Offroad Truck" - 2010 Pismo Jamboree. It's been upside down and still drives me to work.

  2. #12

    Re: Best of Craigslist stories....

    if that guy did post that, i wonder if he got any hits, i seriously might have to try that
    The art of design is how you communicate your message to said audience

  3. #13
    Tourist
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    Re: Best of Craigslist stories....

    No no, that's not right at all. Cereal would cut up the roof of her mouth and your knees.
    '96 4Runner SR5 4x4, manual, e-locker, manual hubs too. Stuff happened to it. Stuff is still happening to it.
    '99 4Runner SR5 Highlander, manual w/locker. Stuff is starting to happen to this one too...but not too much stuff.
    http://www.yotatech.com/f200/habaner...thread-201751/
    Quote Originally Posted by 04 Rocko Taco View Post
    Sometimes guys like to be treated like princesses too!

  4. #14

    Re: Best of Craigslist stories....

    To all the fine people who frequent adult arcades...
    Date: 2009-01-02, 8:45PM PST


    I have logged 10 ,count em, 10 years working for an adult bookstore and I think I am more than qualified to offer some helpful tips to make your visit to these shops just a little more enjoyable. Please excuse any grammatical or spelling errors.

    1) It is a complete wast of time to become upset when I refuse to shake your hand after you exit the arcade. You just had anonymous sex with a man, woman, tranny, or you just got finished masturbating. Had you grabbed the key to the restroom and washed your hands I might just have considered it, otherwise I have no interest in touching you. You really have no reason to be offended at this one, just think about it for a moment.

    2) I'm sorry if you have only limited time to have gay sex with a stranger during your lunch break. If the only customers I have in the arcade are so old you are wondering how they remain upright, much less get it up, I simply can't waive a magic wand and fill the arcade with an all gay swim team. It really doesn't matter how horny you are, complaining incessantly about it changes nothing. Along that same line, I am not a resident fall back option and I'm sorry, but offering me cash for sex will not change my mind on this one (ever).

    3) We offer the options of entering a booth with a window, a glory hole, or a private booth. If you enter a booth with a window, please don't be surprised if you look up and find someone watching you, coming to the counter and demanding that I throw whomever out because they were peeking at your willy will honestly accomplish little. If you enter a booth with a gloryhole, please don't be surprised if at some point a penis comes through it. Also don't be surprised if a voice comes through it asking for you to stick your penis through the hole, it's what it's there for. These traumatic events can all be avoided by entering a private booth where you can masturbate to your hearts content in relative privacy.

    4) You enter a booth, insert a 1, 5, 10, or 20 dollar bill into the bill acceptor, and have a seat. The movie will play until the time limit for the amount of money you put into the machine runs out. If at that time you have not managed to relieve yourself you have still received what you paid for. Screaming at me will not get you more time in the arcade, it will just get you thrown the fuck out. Sitting in a booth with no money in the machine while you desperately try to grunt out a quick one is just not acceptable. If I knock on the door offering to get you change and you come out all grumpy saying something like "I just spent 7000 dollars here" or "do you know how much I spend here in a month" we now have a problem. You see, the concept really is simple yet I feel the need to break it down for you. If I go to McDonalds, order a cheese burger and eat it, I would not be allowed to sit there and eat unlimited cheese burgers all fucking day because I paid for the first one. Duh!! same thing here, once that TV screen goes black YOU GOT WHAT YOU PAID FOR! If you want to continue, fish out another bill or if you are broke GO THE FUCK HOME AND FINISH THERE.

    4) This one is important, so pay it some fucking attention. If you happen to be a horny gay man (nothing wrong with that) and inappropriately proposition another man in the parking lot and he punches you in the mouth, YOU HAD IT COMING. I want to reiterate for the slow among us, YOU ASKED FOR IT!!! Please wait until you are in the arcade to cruise for dick. We offer a wide range of products that straight people need, so don't assume because someone is going to the adult bookstore they are gay. That is just fucking stupid you moron.

    5) My job is to police the arcade and sell shit. That is all I get paid to do and it's all I care about. I could care less if you have a wedding ring on as you suck off 12 dudes, I don't care if you are cheating on your wife with a woman of "questionable standards", I don't care if you enjoy dressing in your little sisters cloths and putting on a show for strangers in a window booth, I DO NOT GIVE A FUCK WHAT YOU ARE DOING IN THERE. I do not need a play by play description of what you were just doing. Keep it to yourself or write it in your journal or whatever. Just leave me out of it, I will not be impressed, seriously.

    6) If you pee in the trashcans and I catch you you will be cleaning that booth and I will be berating you the entire time it takes you. You sick fucker what the fuck did your mother teach you when you were little. I will then take your fucking picture and show it to every one who works here. You will never be allowed back in, EVER!!!!!!

    7) I understand that sex creates wet spots on clothing, etc...but if you come walking out of the arcade with cum in your beard, on your shirt, pants, whatever, I reserve the right to point and laugh. We thoughtfully provide paper towels just for that situation. If you choose not to use them then I choose to laugh and call you a douche bag.

    8) We have janitors clean the arcade 3 times a day, every day. I can do little for you if the booth you so desperately need to whack off in has a load of cum dripping down the monitor. I will not be rushing back there to clean that up real quick for you. If the little present left by the previous occupant offends you so much you have 2 options,
    1) Walk your ass to another, cleaner, booth.
    2) reach up and grab a paper towel from the dispenser and clean it up your fucking self.
    That's it, throw the biggest tantrum you can and you will still be left with the same 2 options.

    I do hope you find this little piece of information helpful. Have a wonderful day!

    * Location: whack shack
    * it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

    Marc<br />96&#39; T100 SR5 4x4<br /><br />Other rides:<br />00 Honda 416EX

  5. #15

    Re: Best of Craigslist stories....

    Can I be your pumpkin?
    Date: 2009-01-01, 11:46AM PST


    hello all you delicious men in craigslist land!!
    I'm looking for a long term(I already have our rings picked out) relationship with the perfect man. You need to be tall, beautiful, well built, oozing with lean rock hard muscles, and have thick dark hair. You need to be smart and college educated(PHD preferred). You of course need to have a great stable job where you make TONS of money for me to spend in any frivolous way I can think of. You need to be AWESOME in the sack with a huge package and have complete ejaculation control, so my intimate needs can be met each and every time you are lucky enough to have me. You also need to be content with no sex for months on end if it makes me happy. You must love kids because I have 7(don't worry the state has them for now). You also must LOVE my cats and instantly memorize the names and ages of all 12 of them. I have a hard time moving around so I bathe with a washrag on a stick and you must be willing to get the parts I cant reach. You must also be willing to fight other fat women off the electric shopping carts in large stores so I can ride them in comfort while shopping. My image of perfection can change at any time, depending on mood, time of the month, etc..You are required to conform to my changing expectations with little or no input from me. But enough about you.

    I'm oddly enough shaped like a pumpkin....LOL. I am very obese(I just got sweatin to the oldies so I'm working on it)and as I mentioned I cant move around very well, I do have a few minor medical problems. I have a bedsore on my ass from the computer chair I'm in all day. However I did recently get a blow up donut so that's finally healing up. The area between my belly and my huge pendulous breasts doesn't get much air so I have a few sores under there, I prop the ladies up with dvd boxes to improve air circulation whilst I surf the net so that should be improving soon as well. I just love the way cats freshen up any living space, I like the way they smell and you should too!! I like long walks in the rain, well, you walk and I hoveround. I also LOVE, LOVE, LOVE chocolate, LOTS of it(ice cream form is acceptable also). I have long dirty blond hair that I comb in such a way that you can hardly notice my dandruff and pattern baldness. I love to snuggle, just not on bath day(bath day is for me to enjoy).I have a massive collection of sexy floral moo moo's so you will never be without a little eye candy *wink*. Many of them just need to be washed and they'll look like brand new. I'm a smokin bBw waiting for you, the capitol B is for a little extra beautiful. I'm real you be too!!!!!!

    Kisses and bonbons
    me


    Marc<br />96&#39; T100 SR5 4x4<br /><br />Other rides:<br />00 Honda 416EX

  6. #16

    Re: Best of Craigslist stories....

    It's been awhile but a friend sent me this and thought this one deserves to be saved!

    Source: Craigslist of course!

    Actor needed for emotional role – One day high pay
    Date: 2009-04-17, 12:52PM EDT

    My deceased aunt gave my two kids a Cocker Spaniel a few months back. The dog has been a terror and become overwhelming for me. I am a single father raising two young children. I cannot face telling the kids that the dog must go. I have found a good home for the dog, and just need someone to transport the dog, and play the villain.

    Premise: You will be the dog walker hired by daddy (me) to walk Skittles. I will introduce you to the kids, and you will tell them you are going to help Skittles get her exercise when Daddy is too busy to walk her. At that point you will walk Skittles to your car and take her to her new family 20 minutes from my place. Then return holding just a leash. The story will be that Skittles broke free of the leash and took off. At this point prepare for crying, things being thrown at you, and possibly cursing. My kids are young and dramatic, their girls.

    Pay will be $500. The job will take roughly 2 hours at best.

    This job is ideal for an actor looking to diversify their role base, or someone who genuinely likes to make children cry. Acting experience is a plus, but not necessary. Please inform me of any prior experience in this kind of situation.
    Lance
    TLCA Member

    2003 4Runner SR5 4x4 Chaos Edition
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  7. #17

    Re: Best of Craigslist stories....

    I did something like that for an old lady back in the 80's. Except it was a cat and I was to take it to a vet to be put down and bring the corpse back for burial. Seems she didn't have the heart to do it herself.
    SI VIS PACEM PARABELLUM

  8. #18

    Re: Best of Craigslist stories....

    hahaha, how did I miss this thread? I think I just found another complete waste of time to reduce my (already diminished) attention span. with that, here's my contribution

    Some Advice From Your Public Defender

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Date: 2009-04-26, 7:43AM PDT

    First, let me say I love my job and it is a privilege to work for my clients. I wish I could do more for them. That being said, there are a few things that need to be discussed.

    You have the right to remain silent. So SHUT THE FUCK UP. Those cops are completely serious when they say your statements can and will be used against you. There’s just no need to babble on like it’s a drink and dial session. They are just pretending to like you and be interested in you.

    When you come to court, consider your dress. If you’re charged with a DUI, don’t wear a Budweiser shirt. If you have some miscellaneous drug charge, think twice about clothing with a marijuana leaf on it or a t-shirt with the “UniBonger” on it. Long sleeves are very nice for covering tattoos and track marks. Try not to be visibly drunk when you show up.

    Consider bathing and brushing your teeth. This is just as a courtesy to me who has to stand by you in court. Smoking 5 generic cigarettes to cover up your bad breath is not the same as brushing. Try not to cough and spit on my while you speak and further transmit your strep, flu, and hepatitis A through Z.

    I’m a lawyer, not your fairy godmother. I probably won’t find a loophole or technicality for you, so don’t be pissed off. I didn’t beat up your girlfriend, steal that car, rob that liquor store, sell that crystal meth, or rape that 13 year old. By the time we meet, much of your fate has been sealed, so don’t be too surprised by your limited options and that I’m the one telling you about them.

    Don’t think you’ll improve my interest in your case by yelling at me, telling me I’m not doing anything for you, calling me a public pretender or complaining to my supervisor. This does not inspire me, it makes me hate you and want to work with you even less.

    It does not help if you leave me nine messages in 17 minutes. Especially if you leave them all on Saturday night and early Sunday morning. This just makes me want to stab you in the eye when we finally meet.

    For the guys: Don’t think I’m amused when you flirt or offer to “do me.” You can’t successfully rob a convenience store, forge a signature, pawn stolen merchandise, get through a day without drinking, control your temper, or talk your way out of a routine traffic stop. I figure your performance in other areas is just as spectacular, and the thought of your shriveled unwashed body near me makes me want to kill you and then myself.

    For the girls: I know your life is rougher than mine and you have no resources. I’m not going to insult you by suggesting you leave your abusive pimp/boyfriend, that you stop taking meth, or that your stop stealing shit. I do wish you’d stop beating the crap out of your kids and leaving your needles out for them to play with because you aren’t allowing them to have a life that is any better than yours.

    For the morons: Your second grade teacher was right – neatness counts. Just clean up! When you rob the store, don’t leave your wallet. When you drive into the front of the bank, don’t leave the front license plate. When you rape/assault/rob a woman on the street, don’t leave behind your cell phone. After you abuse your girlfriend, don’t leave a note saying that you’re sorry.

    If you are being chased by the cops and you have dope in your pocket – dump it. These cops are not geniuses. They are out of shape and want to go to Krispy Kreme and most of all go home. They will not scour the woods or the streets for your 2 grams of meth. But they will check your pockets, idiot. 2 grams is not worth six months of jail.

    Don’t be offended and say you were harassed because the security was following you all over the store. Girl, you were wearing an electronic ankle bracelet with your mini skirt. And you were stealing. That’s not harassment, that’s good store security.

    And those kids you churn out: how is it possible? You’re out there breeding like feral cats. What exactly is the attraction of having sex with other meth addicts? You are lacking in the most basic aspects of hygiene, deathly pale, greasy, grey-toothed, twitchy and covered with open sores. How can you be having sex? You make my baby-whoring crack head clients look positively radiant by comparison.

    "I didn't put it all the way in." Not a defense.

    "All the money is gone now." Not a defense

    "The bitch deserved it." Not a defense.

    "But that dope was so stepped on, I barely got high." Not a defense.

    "She didn't look thirteen." Possibly a defense; it depends.

    "She didn't look six." Never a defense, you just need to die.

    For those rare clients that say thank-you, leave a voice mail, send a card or flowers, you are very welcome. I keep them all, and they keep me going more than my pitiful COLA increase.

    For the idiots who ask me how I sleep at night: I sleep just fine, thank you. There's nothing wrong with any of my clients that could not have been fixed with money or the presence of at least one caring adult in their lives. But that window has closed, and that loss diminishes us all.
    http://www.craigslist.org/about/best...140769884.html
    Keith '88 4runner SR5 Garage Thread

  9. #19

    Re: Best of Craigslist stories....

    This parts the best:

    It does not help if you leave me nine messages in 17 minutes. Especially if you leave them all on Saturday night and early Sunday morning. This just makes me want to stab you in the eye when we finally meet.
    Marc<br />96&#39; T100 SR5 4x4<br /><br />Other rides:<br />00 Honda 416EX

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