Jokes

[reggie 00]

American Medical Association researchers have made a
remarkable discovery.
It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may
benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.

Just thought you'd like to know.

[reggie 00]

A single friend of mine called today and said he really had a strange experience last night.

He met an older woman at a club last night. She was quite OK for 62. They drank a bit, had a bit of a dance, and then she asked, "Have you ever had the sportsman's double; a mother and daughter at the same time?

He replied, "No, I've never been so fortunate."

They drank a bit more, then she said, "Tonight is your lucky night!"

They went to her place, where she put the hall light on and shouted upstairs, "MOM, ARE YOU STILL AWAKE?"

[reggie 00]

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on,you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law . You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"



The wife replied, "The f----n' funeral director would be my first guess."

[reggie 00]

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
>
>
>
>A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite
>her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time
>the
>smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused.
>When
>on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the
>driver
>and he had the man arres ted.
>
>
>
>The case came up in court.
>
>
>
>The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for
>himself.
>
>
>
>
>The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on
>the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a
>sign
>that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she
>moved and
>sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 'S Liniment will reduce the
>swelling,'
>and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that
>said,
>"William's Big Stick Did the Trick," and I could hardly contain myself.
>But,
>Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,
>'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it."
>
>
>
>"CASE DISMISSED!!"

[reggie 00]

A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months. Nurses were in her
room giving her a towel bath. One of them was washing her private area
and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she
touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small,
recognizable movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As
crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and
bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured that they'd close the
curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his
wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart
rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried.

The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked".

[91TPU]

that was a good one!

[Texas Jim]

All Great ones!!! Reggie!!!

[TFJ-4RUNNER]

What do you call a smart blond...




A golden retriever

[TFJ-4RUNNER]

Three vampires walk into a bar. One orders a blood on the rocks. Another orders a double blood. The third simply asks for a mug of hot water.

"Why didn't you order blood like everyone else?" asks the bartender.

The vampire pulls out a tampon and says, "I'm making tea!"


After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife, "What the hell happened last night?"

"As usual, you made an ******* of yourself in front of your boss," replied the wife.

"Piss on him," answered the husband.

"You did," said the wife, "and he fired you."

"Well, ******* him," said the husband.

"I did, and you go back to work in the morning."



An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her
father cursed her.

Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a
line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum
thru?

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a
prostitute...."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to
this family."

"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat,
title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5
million."

"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new
Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership
to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to
spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."

Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a
Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug.



After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"

The mysterious Man answered, "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".

Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family....you've got to send me back straight away".

St Peter replied, "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Brian was devasted, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad," replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode". "You're ovulating," explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before."

"Never," replies Brian.

"Well just relax and let it happen." And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had happened to him...ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting, "Brian, wake up you drunken bastard, you're sh****ng in the bed."

OK I'm done.

[Intrepidyota]

How do you find a gay guy on a nude beach?





































It's not hard.