Jokes

[kmcc78240]

[arjan]

Lost in Home Depot

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Dep*t when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

[arjan]

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Safeway and standing in line at the check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned.
I told her no it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking myself and a car hit me.



Dumb bitch.......why else would I buy dog food??

[arjan]

A tough old cowboy counselled his grandson that if he wanted to live A long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on His oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103. When he died, he left 14 children, 30 grand-children, 45 great grandchildren, 25 great-great grandchildren, and a 50' crater where the crematorium used to be.

[Texas Jim]

This guy goes to the doctor, he tells the Doctor, "Doc, Every mourning I wake up at 6:00am and I eat breakfast, by 8:30am I have the runs. What's wrong with me?"


The Doctor runs a few test and comes back to the man and says "We are going to have to operate! You have three worms inside you."

The three worms are inside and they hear that, The First worm says "They are going to try and take us out, what are you going to do?"

The second worm says" I am going to hide up behind the heart, They will have a hard time finding me!"

The third worm says "I'm going to hide behind the liver, they will never find me there!"

The second and third worm both ask the first worm. "What are you going to do?"

The first worm says," Man, I'm taking the 8:30am right on out of here!!!" TJ

[Ric]

Jose & Carlos are panhandling on the street. Jose drives a
Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to
spend.

Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.

Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills
every day.

Jose says "Look at your sign. It says: I have no work, a wife and 6
kids to support".

Carlos looks at Jose's sign.

It reads "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico".

[Texas Jim]

A Man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby, and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled!!


The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221." TJ ]

[arjan]

This morning on the way to work I rear-ended a car at a stop light while
not really paying attention.





Anyway the fellow who was driving got out...

And he was a dwarf .

He said "I'm not happy"........

I said "Well which one are you then ?

[neliconcept]

The 70-year old groom and the 25-year old bride attracted raised eyebrow
attention as they checked into the resort hotel. Next morning at eight
sharp, the groom came into the dining room whistling a gay tune, sat down
at a table and ordered ham and eggs. The smile on his face and the twinkle
in his eye told everybody present that he was happy and confident.
Fifteen minutes later the young bride slowly trudged into the dining room
and seated herself across from her 70-year old. Her face was drawn and her
voice weak as she ordered toast and coffee.
The groom, now finished, excused himself and strolled into the lobby for
his morning cigar.
As the waitress approached with the bride's toast and coffee, she said,
"Honey, I don't understand it. Here you are a young bride with an old
husband, looking like you've encountered a buzz saw."
"That guy," said the bride, "double crossed me. He told me he saved up for
60 years and I thought he was talking about money!"

[neliconcept]

Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight.
After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink
orders.


The President asked for a whisky & soda, which was brought and placed
before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like
drink.
The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by
a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!"


The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
"I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice..."